More Parenting Tips

9. Train them to a habit of obedience.

"Parents, determine to make your children obey you, though it may cost you much trouble and cost them many tears...when you give a command let them see plainly that you will have it done."

This point is made clear multiple places in the Scripture. Ephesians 6:1 and the fifth commandment are two that come immediately to mind. This is exhausting, often discouraging, work. It helps to remember, as Ryle reminds us, that training them to obey you goes a long way toward training them to obey God.  "Teach them to obey while young, or else they will be fretting against God all their lives long, and wear themselves out with the vain idea of being independent of His control." 

A happy child is one who knows that Mom and Dad are in charge. 

10. Train them to a habit of always speaking the truth.

God is often presented to us in the Old Testament as "the God of Truth."  Surely it is an attribute He would have us cultivate in ourselves and our children.  Ryle also points out that being able to trust your child's word goes a long way toward your own comfort and assistance in dealing with him. I would rather have my child confess his wrong than to find out later that he lied about it. The children have some friends who like to tell incredible stories. The boys know that a lot of what they say is not true. The problem is that it has come to the point where they don't really believe anything these friends tell them. And, as Caleb told me the other day, "one lie always leads to another and another." 

11. Train them to a habit of always redeeming the time.

Oh, yes...this is a struggle at my house. I get very frustrated when my children come to me and say that they are bored. They have healthy bodies and minds and more than enough toys, but they are bored. I don't know why they even come to me with this complaint, because it almost always gets them at least two or three chores to do immediately. I like Ryle's reminder that all creatures were made for work. The angels in heaven work as they serve the Lord. A horse is never so healthy or happy as when he has work to do. Our bodies whither when they do not have regular work to do. I have found that we are all much happier when we have enough work to do that, when we have free time, we are thankful for it. I want to meet this challenge head on as summer approaches. We will have less school work but, by God's grace, we will have lots of things to keep our bodies and minds busy. 

All of these "tips" remind me again of my utter dependence on the grace of Christ. It is only by His grace that we can train the little ones that He has entrusted to us. It is also only by His grace that they can learn to do what is pleasing to Him.

The Boys

  Pikes Peak...how I love this view.  Our house is

in that little valley.

This hill is just a block or so from our house. 

It is the entrance to a wonderful, natural park 

with trails for hiking.

Best Buds!

On top of the world!
Hiking with Dad is great fun!

A quick break from parenting hints to post a few pictures of our boys. Caleb and Josiah went with Andy for a hike on Saturday in the hills behind our house. They had a great time and Andy got some good pictures. These two are best friends. It is fun to see them enjoying one another as they explore God's world. They love to be outside checking out the bugs and rocks and whatever else they can find.  We are looking forward to doing more hiking this summer. 

Duties of Parents: Part III

The previous two posts  contained the first four "hints" for training children by R.C. Ryle. I love his practical, timeless advise. Sometimes it is encouraging to read things written long ago. It is good to be reminded that the parenting joys and challenges we face today may look slightly different, but Biblical truth never changes.

5. Train your child to a knowledge of the Bible.

"See that they read it reverently.  Train them to look upon it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the Word of God." 

"See that they read it regularly. Train them to regard it as their soul's daily food." We have struggled over the years to have consistent family worship. Sometimes it can be discouraging when the busyness of life seems to prevent us from spending that time together as regularly as we would like. But it is encouraging to remember the cumulative effect of all of the hours that we have spent in God's word as a family.

"See that they read it all. Children understand far more of the Bible than we suppose." It is amazing what kids can understand and retain. I fear that many children see the Bible as little more than hero tales. The characters can easily take on fairy-tale proportions. When we teach the Bible to children, we must always emphasize the gospel and make the glory of God the focus rather than the feats of men. 

6. Train them to a habit of prayer

"Prayer is the simplest means that man can use in coming to God. So long as you have a tongue to tell your soul's state, you may and ought to pray." We can teach our children to pray long before they can read. We can teach them what to say and how to say it.  And we can encourage them not to be hasty, irreverent, or careless. I love to hear the children pray. It is always a blessing to my soul to hear them open their hearts to the Lord. 

7. Train them to habits of diligence, and regularity about public means of grace.

The reality (at least in our home) is that Sundays are hard days. The "day of rest" is not actually very restful for us in some ways. We love our church and our souls are always fed when we are there, so in that sense it is restful. But it is also a busy day that can leave us physically exhausted. We have kept our children with us in the worship service since Kimberly was little. It takes a lot of training at first, but the fruit that worshiping together as a family bears is great and worth the trouble. We recently got the older kids new Bible covers which hold paper, pencil, Bible and mints. This has eliminated our usual Sunday morning scramble to find all of these things. We have begun to encourage the boys to write the sermon outline in their notebooks. Kimberly can pretty much take notes on her own now. And then there's me on the end of the row wrestling with Moriah for an hour and a half. Yes, we are back in that season of training with her!  Thankfully, our church views children as part of God's covenant family and a little noise, and cheerios on the floor are expected, even welcomed. There is a real danger, I think, when church becomes a place where children must be constantly entertained. There is great gain in having them watch how their parents worship and learn to participate with God's people.

8. Train them to a habit of faith.

"I mean by this that you should train them up to believe what you say." The point that Ryle is making here is that children need to understand that you know some things that they don't. What you say is for their best whether they can see it right now or not. He warns against reasoning too much with young children. Let them just understand that you know what is best for them, and they can trust your judgement. I think this applies especially to very young children. As they get older, it is important to give more explanation for things. Haven't we all had a three year old say, "why?" twenty thousand times when a simple command was given? In our house, we train them to say, "yes, Mommy," or "yes, Daddy," rather than "why." When they continually ask for a reason to do what they have been told to do, I have been known to say, "for a reason." In other words, I have a reason, but you don't need to know it right now. 

Ryle uses the excellent example of Isaac when his father, Abraham took him up Mount Moriah. He asked only one question, "where is the lamb?" His father said, "God will provide." and that was it. He believed that all would be well, because his father said so, and he was content.  (This is where we found Moriah's name. It's meaning: God will provide. How fitting that has been for her life.)

There is a lot more that could be said about each of these, but hopefully they are at least some food for thought. If you can hang in there, we will eventually get through all of them. There are some good ones coming up!

Duties of Parents: Part II

This is part two of a series of posts from J.C. Ryle's book, The Duties of Parents. It was first published in 1888, so it definitely has time-tested advice.

3. Train your children with an abiding persusion on your mind that much depends on you.

"...all this is God's merciful arrangement. He gives your child a mind that will receive impressions like moist clay. He gives them a disposition at the starting point of life to believe what you tell them and to take for granted what you advise them, and to trust your word rather than a stranger's. He gives you, in short, a golden opportunity of doing them good. See that the opportunity be not neglected and thrown away. Once let slip, it is gone forever."

These are challenging words to me! I can hear myself in my children's words...sometimes it makes me smile. Other times it makes me wince. I want to take advantage of the opporutnity to "do them good" by filling their hearts with Scripture and Biblical truth. We have been greatly helped by teaching our kids the children's catechism from the time they could speak. It is amazing how easily they can memorize things when they are young. Of course we want these truths to be imbedded in their hearts, so we try to talk a lot about Spiritual things in every context. It doesn't seem like they are listening sometimes, but we trust that God will bring the fruit in his time.

Whether it is the deliberate things we teach them about the Bible or God, or the unconscious things they pick up from us (the way we talk to/about each other) their clay-like hearts are being shaped.

4. Train with this thought continually before your eyes--that the soul of your child is the first thing to be considered.

"In every step you take about them, in every plan, and scheme, and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out that mighty question, how will this affect their souls?"

There are so many aspects to this point: schooling, friends, actvities...but it is definitely a question that bears asking often and honestly: will this affect my children's souls in a positive or negative way? We are facing this more as the children get older. When they were small, our home was the center of their universe. Sesame Street was about the most dangerous influence they encountered! But as they are getting older this is a question that we need to ask a lot. The boys have several neighborhood friends that pose a challenge in this area. The television shows targeted at their age group are questionable at best. The things they can find (without even trying) on the computer are frightening. As parents, we have to limit the negative influences and maximize the positive ones. The struggle for me is that it takes a lot of time and effort to create positive, soul-nourishing experiences. It is easier to just let them watch a show or play outside with the neighborhood kids so that I can get my stuff done. But this isn't always what is best for their souls. 

One positive thing that we have done is to purposely limit our evening commitments so that we can spend that time as a family. We have made the unpopular decision to forego baseball and softball this year in favor of having that time together. Last year, it seemed like we were all going different directions several nights of the week. It made family worship, and even dinner together, a huge challenge. The kids are disappointed, but we feel that is the best decision for all of us. We are hoping for some fun, soul-enriching times with friends from church and with each other instead. 

There are many things that are culturally acceptable that might not be beneficial to the souls of my children. Sometimes it means going against the tide and making tough decisions. Ryle says, "The time is short--The fashion of this world passesth away. He that has trained his children for heaven, rather than for earth, --for God rather than for man--he is the parent that will be called wise at last."

Again, we thank God for his grace. We cannot even begin to fulfill the task of parenting these children without his daily mercy and grace.  His mercies are new every morning.

The Duties of Parents

This past week, the ladies from our church met for our monthly Bible Study. I have made it to very few of these studies this year, but I am always encouraged when I get to go. This time the topic was "Raising Little Ones."  My friend who led it has raised four girls, so she knows what she's talking about! She used a little book by J.C. Ryle called "The Duties of Parents." J.C. Ryle was a preacher in England a long time ago (1816-1900). I love the richness of the language that he uses. I highly recommend this little book to anyone looking for a little bit of encouragement in Godly parenting. 

I would like to take several posts to highlight his "17 hints" and make a few comments about each one. We have passed through the "little one" phase a few times, and now find ourselves in it again! How gracious God is to give us His Word to help us train our children.  

1. Train them in the way they "should" go rather than in the way they "would" go. 

Amazing, isn't it, that we don't have to train our children to sin? They come by that naturally. Instead, we must train them to righteousness.  

Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.  

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

I remember so clearly when Kimberly was getting close to two, she would stomp her little foot and say, "NO, Momma!" I was shocked! I knew that we needed to train that will. But the idea of spanking my sweet baby was hard for me. I scoured the book of Proverbs and came away a very clear conviction that we needed to use the rod and reproof (spanking and instruction). The book that helped us the most was Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. What a blessing this book was. He taught us how to use spanking in a Biblical way to train the hearts of our children. 

The key to Biblical discipline is to keep my own emotions in check. We must never spank in anger. Sometimes, we have had to send the kids to their rooms so we could cool down before dealing with them.  We follow a clear pattern outlined in Tripp's book so that we both always know what is happening. We never spank until they can tell us what they are being spanked for. And we always finish with prayer, an assurance of both God's forgiveness and ours and lots of hugs. Tear stained, but smiling, we emerge to continue our day.  We decided early on we would rather miss an opportunity for spanking than do it in anger. This is very different from what most of us have witnessed in the grocery store where an angry Mom is "disciplining" her wailing child. Ugh. 

The other point here is the importance of consistency. Kids are smart and they quickly figure out where or when they can get away with more. My brother and I knew that we could set the house on fire and my mom wouldn't notice if she was on the phone. (Or so we thought, until we got spanked for something we did while we thought she didn't notice.) It is never appropriate to discipline in public. If you have to go home and come back for the groceries later, then do it. (And you'll probably only have to do that once or twice because it will make a pretty big impression on the little darlings.)

It is interesting, isn't it, that the Bible talks about the rod and reproof, but time out and counting to three are never mentioned. Hum....

2. Train them with all tenderness, affection and patience. 

Be willing to enter into childish joys and sorrows. Love, kindness and gentleness will give you access to your child's heart. 

Col. 3:21 "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

Some days I find this very difficult. I tend to be a planner and I have an agenda. When the kids need a lot of extra attention, I can respond with impatience rather than tenderness. I often worry that they will remember me grumping at them rather than hugging them and listening to them.  With my older three, I see the increasing importance of this. I want them to continue to share their hearts with me, and I know it has to start when they are little. 

Andy's mother had this down to an art when he was small. Every night she would sit on the edge of his bed and talk about his day. She would ask, "What was the worst part of your day?" 

"How could you do things differently next time?" and "What was the best part of your day?" They continued this little routine through high school. They both say it was big part of what made them close. 

My son, Caleb, can tell a LONG story. He is very detail oriented and he wants to be sure that you understand EVERY detail. It is hard for me to stop and really listen sometimes. It is worth it though, to enter his world in this way. 

I think this point is especially important for Moriah. I don't know how or when she will need to process through thoughts and feelings about the first 19 months of her life. She will need a tender, compassionate Mom who will listen with great acceptance and tenderness.

There you have it: J.C. Ryle's first two hints.

 I am so thankful for the grace of Christ as I look back on the early childhood of my older three and think about the present with Moriah. I have made so many mistakes! But the grace of Christ gives me hope. These little ones are His and I can trust him to use even my mistakes for their good and His glory. 

Look for two more soon! 

Six Months

Six months ago

Today

Is it possible that we have been home with Moriah for over six months? The time has gone by so quickly. It is amazing to reflect on how far this little one has come in those months. 

Then: she wasn't walking. She had skinny little stick legs and arms. Her shoulders were hunched so that she couldn't get into crawling position. She wanted to eat all the time (ok, maybe this one hasn't changed much!).  She had constant ear infections.  Her right thumb was turned in and hardly used. She would give a little fake smile if she thought that was what we expected. She didn't understand much of what we said, and we didn't understand what she said. She needed a family.  

Now: she is walking well and trying to run. She has rolls of plumpness on her legs. Her shoulders have opened so that she can crawl and climb. She has had surgery and hours of therapy. She uses her thumb a lot. She has been baptized and heard the Gospel and been loved by God's people. She can say quite a few things and understands just about everything we say. She has opened her heart to us and allowed us the privilege of becoming her family.  Her smile lights up her eyes and her face. She is no longer an orphan but a daughter.

 Bringing Moriah home has changed all of us. 

Kimberly went from being the only girl to having a baby sister. She has learned to share her room. She has taken a lot of responsibility for Moriah and is such a huge help. I don't know what I would do without her. She is always willing to help. Saturday, she got Moriah's breakfast, gave her a bath and got her dressed.  What a blessing to have two daughters! 

Caleb is no longer the middle child. He also has learned more responsibility as he has helped with Moriah. He does a great job of keeping her out of trouble and entertaining her. He is a fabulous big brother. I know he will always protect his little sister. He has a lot of nicknames for her.

Josiah went from the baby of the family to the big brother. Moriah loves to play with him and he always finds ways to entertain her. They sit together on her little scooter toy and scoot around the house. It isn't always easy for him as he was the youngest in our family for six years. But he has done a great job in his new role. 

And Andy and I went from being parents of three to parents of four. Somehow having four kids seems like a lot! We have had to remember how it is to have a little one again. We have had to work harder to carve out time for each other. And we have had our ups and downs with the attachment process. But most of all we feel honored and blessed to have this little bundle of God's grace in our home. Sometimes I still can't believe that she is ours. When there is yogurt on the floor, toys everywhere, dishes in the sink, laundry overflowing, I have to stop for a minute and reflect on the wonder of this little life born so far away, protected so lovingly by her Heavenly Father, and finally brought to us. Everyday we have among us a living, breathing picture of what God has done for us in adopting us into His family, putting His name upon us, and calling us His own. Once we were far off, but now we are brought near through Christ. 

Happy six months home, Moriah Mei!

No Hands But Ours

You can read a short summary of our story on the website "No Hands but Ours." Just click on the button on our sidebar and then go to family stories. Be sure to read some of the others as well. Each one is a testimony to God's grace as he brings these little ones home. I love to read all of the stories and see how each child is uniquely suited to his or her family. I am constantly amazed at the way that God brought Moriah to us and how He is knitting her into our family.