The Duties of Parents

This past week, the ladies from our church met for our monthly Bible Study. I have made it to very few of these studies this year, but I am always encouraged when I get to go. This time the topic was "Raising Little Ones."  My friend who led it has raised four girls, so she knows what she's talking about! She used a little book by J.C. Ryle called "The Duties of Parents." J.C. Ryle was a preacher in England a long time ago (1816-1900). I love the richness of the language that he uses. I highly recommend this little book to anyone looking for a little bit of encouragement in Godly parenting. 

I would like to take several posts to highlight his "17 hints" and make a few comments about each one. We have passed through the "little one" phase a few times, and now find ourselves in it again! How gracious God is to give us His Word to help us train our children.  

1. Train them in the way they "should" go rather than in the way they "would" go. 

Amazing, isn't it, that we don't have to train our children to sin? They come by that naturally. Instead, we must train them to righteousness.  

Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.  

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

I remember so clearly when Kimberly was getting close to two, she would stomp her little foot and say, "NO, Momma!" I was shocked! I knew that we needed to train that will. But the idea of spanking my sweet baby was hard for me. I scoured the book of Proverbs and came away a very clear conviction that we needed to use the rod and reproof (spanking and instruction). The book that helped us the most was Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. What a blessing this book was. He taught us how to use spanking in a Biblical way to train the hearts of our children. 

The key to Biblical discipline is to keep my own emotions in check. We must never spank in anger. Sometimes, we have had to send the kids to their rooms so we could cool down before dealing with them.  We follow a clear pattern outlined in Tripp's book so that we both always know what is happening. We never spank until they can tell us what they are being spanked for. And we always finish with prayer, an assurance of both God's forgiveness and ours and lots of hugs. Tear stained, but smiling, we emerge to continue our day.  We decided early on we would rather miss an opportunity for spanking than do it in anger. This is very different from what most of us have witnessed in the grocery store where an angry Mom is "disciplining" her wailing child. Ugh. 

The other point here is the importance of consistency. Kids are smart and they quickly figure out where or when they can get away with more. My brother and I knew that we could set the house on fire and my mom wouldn't notice if she was on the phone. (Or so we thought, until we got spanked for something we did while we thought she didn't notice.) It is never appropriate to discipline in public. If you have to go home and come back for the groceries later, then do it. (And you'll probably only have to do that once or twice because it will make a pretty big impression on the little darlings.)

It is interesting, isn't it, that the Bible talks about the rod and reproof, but time out and counting to three are never mentioned. Hum....

2. Train them with all tenderness, affection and patience. 

Be willing to enter into childish joys and sorrows. Love, kindness and gentleness will give you access to your child's heart. 

Col. 3:21 "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

Some days I find this very difficult. I tend to be a planner and I have an agenda. When the kids need a lot of extra attention, I can respond with impatience rather than tenderness. I often worry that they will remember me grumping at them rather than hugging them and listening to them.  With my older three, I see the increasing importance of this. I want them to continue to share their hearts with me, and I know it has to start when they are little. 

Andy's mother had this down to an art when he was small. Every night she would sit on the edge of his bed and talk about his day. She would ask, "What was the worst part of your day?" 

"How could you do things differently next time?" and "What was the best part of your day?" They continued this little routine through high school. They both say it was big part of what made them close. 

My son, Caleb, can tell a LONG story. He is very detail oriented and he wants to be sure that you understand EVERY detail. It is hard for me to stop and really listen sometimes. It is worth it though, to enter his world in this way. 

I think this point is especially important for Moriah. I don't know how or when she will need to process through thoughts and feelings about the first 19 months of her life. She will need a tender, compassionate Mom who will listen with great acceptance and tenderness.

There you have it: J.C. Ryle's first two hints.

 I am so thankful for the grace of Christ as I look back on the early childhood of my older three and think about the present with Moriah. I have made so many mistakes! But the grace of Christ gives me hope. These little ones are His and I can trust him to use even my mistakes for their good and His glory. 

Look for two more soon!